How To Catch The Swine Flu In Five Easy Steps

Great article by Meghan Telper


1. Eat Candy and/or Booze It UpNow I am not talking about one or two candy bars or drinks the night of Halloween, maybe a treat the next day and then being done with it. If you want on the flu team, you should think about having a piece of candy/cake/alchy bevvy with or after every meal, tucked in to your lunch bag, a little sweet greeting when you arrive home, and maybe a night cap of a Kit Kat. You worked hard on Halloween to collect all that candy, so you better eat it and kick that immune system to the ground.
2. Stay Out Really Late and Lose SleepYou can’t make up sleep. Not really. You can sleep in, you can rest, but insufficient sleep has already begun to weaken immune function. When we have the flu, we feel our best in the morning, after we have “rested.
3. Take On More Than You Can HandleThis is my personal speciality. It seems that chronic stress impairs the immune system’s capacity to respond to glucocorticoid hormones that normally are responsible for terminating an inflammatory response following infection and/or injury. Psychological stress (which, lets face it, is largely self-induced) raises catecholamine (‘fight or flight’ hormones), which suppresses the immune system, thus raising the risk of viral infection.
4. Forgo All Hygiene Practices
Right so basically for this easy step to catching the flu, the idea is to touch as much stuff as you can- hand railings, door handles (especially the bathroom kind), handles on public transit vehicles- you get the idea. You also want to do your best to breathe deeply when in confined spaces with lots of people,and invade others’ personal space.
5. Line Up for Hours on End In The Rain with Other People Who Believe Themselves To Be High Risk of The Flu in Order to Receive a Vaccine for a Pandemic That Is Neither Pan Nor Demic But Has Simply Been Awesomely Hyped By The Media Using The Usual Flavour of The Month: Scare Tactics.